Last updated: June 01. 2013 12:36AM - 322 Views
“God particle” not all it’s cracked up to be

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I got pretty excited the other day. Not as excited as when the Mistress of the Manor agrees to play “master plumber and lonely housewife,” but pretty excited nonetheless. No, what got me excited the other day was the discovery of the “God particle,” you know, that crucial subatomic particle that could unlock the greatest mysteries of the universe.

Now, this particular particle is also known as the Higgs Boson because a nerd named Peter Higgs theorized about it in 1964. What I don’t get is why the particle was named after him, considering that he didn’t really find it, in reality, and isn’t that what it’s all about? He just suggested it existed. I have suggested, or theorized, if you will, many things over the years, just ask the Mistress of the Manor; and most of them have been rejected. Sometimes it’s a simple “No.” Sometimes it’s an emphatic “NO?” And sometimes, it’s “Are you out of your mind?”

I was the first person to theorize that if you remain in the same position for the entire basketball game your team will never lose. Okay, that theory has been proven wrong. However, it did lead to another theory, and that is, if you remain in the same position for two hours you will need a chiropractor. That theory has been proven right. I also theorized at one time – during my distinguished college career – that if you flood your body with enough alcohol and chemicals you become the “God particle.” That too was proven wrong. However, it too, lead to another theory, and that is, if you flood your body with chemicals and alcohol you end up with a grade point average equal to one achieved by an off-kilter hamster.

The so-called “God particle” holds the critical explanation of where the mass of all matter comes from. Now, “Rooster” Edwards and I have both theorized on this matter. I theorized it could be found in the exhilaration of driving from Hillsville to the dorms at Radford University in just 28 minutes, while “Rooster” said he found it while hunting on Buffalo Mountain when he came face to face with the granddaddy of all bears, which proceeded to rip him a new one, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, once I heard the news about the discovery of the “God particle” I began to research the matter just to see what benefit this would have for us common folk. One source said “we might need other models, other than the Higgs Boson, to explain the whole thing in a coherent way.” Well, coherent was what I was looking for, but what I got was a bunch of double-talk and gobbledygook that led me to believe these so-called scientists weren’t even sure what we had on our hands.

I finally found an article with a section entitled “How does this benefit anyone?” Now, I was expecting something like “We will now learn the meaning of life,” or “We will now be able to create a utopia on the planet Earth,” or “We will now be able to teleport from one place to another in a matter of seconds,” or, at least, “Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp, who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong.” But did I find the answers to any of these pressing questions? Nnnoooooooo. Instead, I got “There is no direct benefit that we can easily see in our everyday lives.”

Given this, what in the name of Enrico Fermi is all the excitement about? I mean, if we can’t do fun things like teleport, or become invisible and sneak into the dressing rooms of the Victoria’s Secret models, what good is this so-called “God particle.” Seems to me, a particle with a name like that should open up new horizons, expand our minds or, at least allow us to sneak a peek, sight unseen.

The next time scientists come out with a big announcement, claiming they’ve discovered something major, everybody just needs to relax. What’s exciting for scientists apparently isn’t what’s exciting for folks of my ilk. The “God particle” doesn’t live up to its name, maybe just call it “Rooster” Edwards particle.

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