Last updated: June 01. 2013 12:35AM - 312 Views
Allen Worrell

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Even though the weather hasn’t been very good lately, we all know warm weather is a comin’, it’s just a matter of time. That means, of course, everybody has to get in shape. As I’ve said before, the only way to make the U.S. the shining star on the mount that every country in the world looks up to is for every American to look marvelous.

That means it’s time to get in shape, so when you’re walking along the beach, around your front yard, or through the mall in your speedo or bikini, the out-of-shape people will drool with envy, while making a solemn vow to attain your marvelousness.

With that in mind, I’ve done some research and found six easy ways to speed up weight loss, so as to be just as svelte as a Cheetah. These tips come from the Lifestyle Blog at Xfinity. Hear that Xfinity people, I’ve just given you some free advertising! Now, do something about my way-too-high bill. Okay, back to being marvelous.

Four of the six tips for easy weight loss are right up my alley – “eat more snacks,” “stop multitasking,” “eat before eating” and “sleep more.” In fact, I’ve been following most of these tips for years, especially eating more snacks and eating before eating. However, in my case that hasn’t led to a more svelte body, rather to a more, let’s say, mature body. Okay, okay, a slightly more portly body. Okay, stop it, a big belly. Since reading the tips, I’ve thought about what has gone wrong, and the only thing I can think of is I’m not eating enough snacks or not eating enough before I eat. That’s the only possible answer.

Now, we all know how I feel about multitasking – it’s a bad thing and can have dire consequences. Multitasking is for people who feel driven to get many things done as quickly as possible. That ain’t me, jack. I’m a firm believer in “qui vivra verra,” French for “what will be will be.” The French are rude and couldn’t beat Sylvatus in a war, but they do have the right attitude when it comes to the pace of life. They take lunches that last for several hours, giving them plenty of time to eat, drink wine and practice the art of love.

I also like to sleep, but I must confess I’ve been falling short in that category since I rejoined the world of journalism. In the previous three years before I began pounding the keys, the Mistress of the Manor and I would stay up late frolicking and casting fate to the wind. Sometimes we wouldn’t kiss the night goodbye until the wee hours of the morning. Time was on our side to paraphrase The Rolling Stones. But, alas, since once again becoming a working stiff my sleep time has shrunken. However, I have figured out how this problem can be solved – I’m getting rid of the alarm clock.

To be honest, the other two tips for weight loss aren’t exactly in my wheel house, so to speak. The first is to “drink more tea than water” – the reasoning being that tea is tastier than water. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like me some ice tea at times, but I usually prefer water. I find it refreshing and have no problem drinking eight glasses a day. Throw in the four to five cups of black coffee a day and I’m a drinkin’ a plenty. By the way, coffee is very good for a person providing at least four cups are consumed a day. Scientists say so, and I’m all about science.

The final tip on the list is definitely out, since it is “add strength training to your workout, or do more of it.” It’s not that I don’t want to add strength training or do more of it, it’s that I don’t want to train at all. I figure I did enough training back in 1972 at Fort Jackson to satisfy my training quota for life. Besides, additional training will take away from the time I can spend on some of the other tips, like “eating more snacks,” “eat before eating” and “sleep more.”

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