Okay, so far, so good. It’s 1:30 p.m. on Friday, the infamous Dec. 21, as I write this, and, so far, no huge fireballs, no giant cracks in the earth, and, most importantly, no zombies. Now, there’s still plenty of time for the bottom to drop out of this mortal coil, but if you’re reading this, more than likely the world has survived. Either that, or I have a bigger fan base in the zombie community than I thought I did.
You’re probably wondering, “What do I do with the stockpile of canned spinach in my basement?” “Will the finance company take a couple of AK-47s as a car payment?” “Can I somehow take a deduction on my income taxes for that bunker I built in the backyard?” Well, I’m no expert, although I pretend to be at times, but I’m going to say, “No.” However, there are some things you should do if this old world is still turning, according to the experts. I’ll give you a heads-up, I’m ignoring just about all of them. I take that back, I’m ignoring all of them.
The first thing you should do, according to the experts, is “review your credit history” and the second is “check out your tax situation.” Neither of these sound all that appealing. My credit history is not something I want to revisit and my tax situation depends on whether President Obama or the King of Orange, John Boehner, has the best poker face.
The third thing on the list, “clear clutter,” is not new advice to me. No siree. The Mistress of the Manor addresses my clutter on a routine basis. You see, she likes things neat; whereas I, can clutter with the best of them. It’s not that I clutter intentionally, it’s just that I find so many things essential to my sense of well-being, whether it be a Bob Dylan T-shirt that is now completely in shreds or a “Rolling Stone” magazine from 1972. I need these things.
Ranking number four on the list is a “plan for disaster,” and we’re not talking about the zombie or giant meteor kind of disaster. No, we’re talking about doing a home inventory of your belongings, which is tough when you have clutter, and making sure you have enough insurance, but aren’t paying too much for it. This, like pretty much all the things on the list, is something any responsible adult should do … responsible, being the key word. That, of course, gives me a way out.
The next five things on the list are “review investments,” “support a charity,” “max out retirement contributions,” “spend your flexible spending account,” and “prepay bills.” The experts say you can review your investments in “under an hour,” heck, I can review mine in a matter of seconds. I do support charities, but as for the rest, especially “prepay bills,” those are just pipe dreams. There’s a due date on a bill for a good reason.
The next two suggestions from the experts are “find a financial advisor” and “tinker with your budget.” No financial advisor in his right mind would take me on as a client. A financial advisor and I could tinker until the cows come home, whatever that means, and we still couldn’t afford one spray tan.
Another expert suggestion is “change your passwords.” Now, of all the advice given thus far, this has to be the most ridiculous one of the bunch. Hell, I can barely remember my present passwords. I’ve tried to heed the advice of experts who say “Don’t use the same password more than once.” What has that gotten me? Heartache, nothing but heartache. Sometimes, I run out of chances before I can login to a particular page, and have to try numerous times before unlocking my secret code. Is the password for this page Howl7624/upyours or mhhelpmegod3#? I don’t know!
Now, if you’ve decided to take the advice of these experts, you may be scratching your head, or possibly another part of your anatomy, and asking, “Just how long will this take?” These so-called experts claim that all but one of these tasks can be completed with just 13 to 18 hours of effort, while another one could take between one hour and a month. That last one is right out. I’m not spending a month on anything.
The key, they say, is taking it slow, easy, and gradual. They say earmark just 15 minutes to an hour per day and go down the list. Heck, you can even do a lot of it while watching TV, they say. Well, trying to be a responsible adult and watch TV at the same time is multi-tasking, and I think all of you know how I feel about that. I realize they think they’re helping, but that flag ain’t getting saluted no matter how many times they run it up the flag pole. No sirree. I didn’t survive the zombie apocalypse, only to kill myself being a responsible adult.