Last updated: June 01. 2013 12:28AM - 218 Views
Allen Worrell

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During my 40 wonderful years of being married to the Mistress of the Manor, there have been times when I satisfied her and times when I didn’t, and … hey! That’s not what I’m talking about. Geez, people, I’m talking about Christmas presents. Almost every man has seen the way his wife’s eyes light up when he has given her the perfect gift. Almost every man has also seen the smoldering hatred etch itself across her face when she opens her present, only to find wrinkle cream and a gym membership.

Now, the reason I say “almost every man” is because my good friend, “Rooster” Edwards, is the king of bad gifts, he has never gotten it right. His wife has been disappointed more times than Wiley E. Coyote. The presents “Rooster” has given his wife include a lawn mower, a subscription to Weasel Hunter Weekly, crotchless jeans, and, of course, a case of motor oil. And what does “Rooster” receive from his dear wife each Christmas? A beating with the baseball bat he gave her four Christmases ago.

So, in an effort to help “Rooster” and other challenged male gift buyers, I’ve done some research as to what not to give your wife on Christmas. This list, “The 15 Worst Gifts for Women” comes from “Money Talks,” a magazine devoted to women’s issues, such as “How to Have an Affair Without Getting Caught,” “Poisons That Can’t be Detected by an Autopsy,” and “Pills That Look Just Like Viagra.”

Number one on the list is appliances, unless she specifically asks for them. Now, this doesn’t mean that you overhear her say, “Damn this waffle maker!” and you rush out to the store to purchase the best waffle maker known to mankind. No, before you purchase a waffle maker, she has to say something like, “I’d sacrifice little Billy for one of those.”

Now, there are several items on the list that I, and I am sure some other gift-challenged husbands have given to our wives on Christmas, such as clothes and perfume. However, that is not kosher, according to the list. As far as clothes, a man can screw this up without even trying. Just ask “Rooster’s” wife about the crotchless jeans. If it’s too big you’ve offended her, if it’s too small you’ve offended her, if it’s crotchless you’ve offended her. You can’t win. As for the perfume, be careful gentlemen. If you buy her the wrong perfume, she could have an allergic reaction to it, and swell up like Rosanne Barr. That’s not good for anyone.

There are several no-no gifts on the list that virtually any man should be able to rule out, one being gifts for yourself, like a big screen TV, tickets to sporting events, tacky novelty items or a framed photograph of yourself. Yes, she watches the TV, but no woman on the face of this earth cares about TV as much as a man. We love big TVs, the bigger the better. If I could have a TV that covered one whole wall, I’d be ecstatic. The Mistress of the Manor, on the other hand, would be reading that article about poison I mentioned earlier. Your wife may say she likes sports, but you give her tickets to a ball game for Christmas, and you’re the one who will be penalized. There will be no huddling, but plenty of blocking and pass interference.

You may think novelty items are hilarious, but women do not. Buy her a furry critter that sings “Muskrat Love” or a snow globe that plays “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear,” and you might as well go live on the Island of Misfit Toys because there will be no jiggling of your bells. Oh yea, and don’t give your wife a photograph of yourself, or of you two together. She knows what you look like, she doesn’t need a reminder, she needs George Clooney.

Several other items you want to avoid as gifts are fitness products, cosmetics, flowers, the same thing as last year, candy, alcohol and anything that can’t be easily exchanged.

I don’t know about you, but after going through this list, I’m more than a little confused about what the proper gift is. There’s not much left. I’m thinking jewelry is still in play, or a car, or possibly a trip to an exotic Caribbean Island. However, if those items are out of you price range, purchasing just the right Christmas present may get a little tricky. Just remember, before you purchase a gift, give it some serious thought. Then ask yourself, “What would ‘Rooster’ do?”

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