Do you know when it’s the best time to clean house, ask for a raise, exercise, or polish the dog? Well, in a continuing effort to be of benefit to my fellow human beings, I’m here to tell you these things. I know what I’m about to tell you is legit, because I read it on the internet.
Now, the first question – “When is the best time to fly?” - it’s real easy. Never! Okay, that’s my answer, not the answer given by CNN’s “Eye on the Sky” correspondent Rally Caparas. According to Rally, who keeps at least one eye on the sky 24 hours a day, scheduling “arrivals and departures between 11 a.m. and 1 p.m. local time will help you avoid most delay-causing weather patterns.” Okay, before I go any further I have some questions. What kind of parent names a kid Rally? If that’s not his real name, why in the world would he go by this moniker? One time, “Rooster” Edwards decided he wanted a new nickname and began calling himself “Canola Oil.” No one knows why, but, needless to say, it didn’t stick. I think Rally’s real name is Peter or Dick or, maybe, Johnson.
Possibly the next question you have is, “When is the best time to clean the house?” Now, some of you may think that getting that cleaning done the first thing in the morning is the way to go. Clean that house, make some margaritas and see who’s going to be abducted by aliens on your favorite soap opera. Oh, but you would be wrong. Internet experts say that hand-eye coordination and mood levels are at their peak in the late afternoon, around 4 p.m. If you think about it, this makes sense. We’ve all read about tragedies involving house cleaning – the woman in French Lick, IN, who impaled herself on her broom, the unfortunate housewife in Tallahassee, FL, who became entangled in her vacuum cord and choked herself to death, or the mother of three who drowned while washing dishes. Yes, it pays to be at the top of your game when cleaning the house. Heck, it’s safer to drive drunk than attempting to clean the house at 9 a.m.
How about getting a haircut, when’s the best time for that, you may ask? Well, it’s best to be the first or second person your stylist sees. You see, as the day rolls along and stress levels rise, your stylist may be in a foul mood by the time she gets to you, which may result in a haircut that resembles those given to prisoners on Devil’s Island. Even if you are the second customer your stylists sees, all bets are off if her first appointment is with Mrs. Pickney. Standing just a few inches taller than a hobbit, that little bit of hell has been linked to at least three stylist suicides.
Are you interested in a cardio workout, well, you should take care of this between 5 and 6 p.m., according to an so-called expert who apparently eats only celery, grapes and penguin eggs. Why in the world would someone think that dinner time is the right time to exercise? Well, apparently, it’s because our lungs work more efficiently and our muscles are nice and warm at this time of the day. However, the only exercising I want to do at that time of the day is the shoveling as much food into my belly as humanly possible. Now, if you really feel the need to exercise, I suggest you do it either six hours prior to eating or six hours after eating, as long as it’s not between 5 and 6 p.m.
If you’re feeling underpaid then you might like to know that the best time to ask for a raise is at 5 p.m. Really? Now, most people will tell you there is no good time to ask for a raise, but the experts say wait until your boss is ready to go home because he will not be rushed and will have time to listen. Right. Now, most people are tearing at the gate when quitting time comes around, and that goes for most bosses too. I’m sure he won’t mind spending some extra time with you instead of zipping home, pouring him a drink and sneaking out to the girlfriend he has hidden in the pool house. If anybody waited until 5 p.m. to ask me for a raise, I would reply, “You, my good sir, are fired.” I suggest asking for a raise at 3:16 p.m.
Now, I hope I’ve helped with any questions you had about when is the right time to do something. I couldn’t cover everything, but I think I hit on some key issues. And, by the way, if you didn’t get as much out of this column as you might have hoped, go back at read it at 8 a.m. or 10 p.m., the times when your brain is working at its optimum level for the retention and recall.