A lot of people are struggling in today’s economy, so in an effort to help my fellow citizens, I’ve been doing some research into the job market. Although the market has improved since the crash of September 2008, good jobs are still not overly abundant. Now, this advice will be more valuable to young people than to old spits like me, but after all, they are our future; at least until Dec. 21 when most of us become post-apocalyptic zombies.
However, there is still a chance that the Mayans were either playing a cruel joke on future inhabitants, or the guy – I think his name was Fuyu – decided to take an extended banana break with his sweetie pie, Fume, and forgot to finish the calendar. With that in mind, I hope this mortal coil will still be turning on Dec. 22. Still, there may be zombies.
So if we do not have a zombie apocalypse, these are some good-paying jobs young non-zombies should look into. Before I go any further, it’s not that I’m prejudiced against zombies, it’s just that their smell and the limbs-falling-off thing gets on co-workers’ nerves. And, of course, the highest-paying jobs can only be had by people with the first name of Lawrence, Freeman, Halston or Punjab.
One of the best good-paying jobs available, according to some fly-by-night career advice website I stumbled on, is that of being a registered nurse. Now, this job pays around $61,000 a year, but there is a downside. You have to deal with sick people, who can be pretty annoying with all their moaning, crying and habit of excreting bodily fluids at inappropriate times. And sometimes, they’re much like zombies, in that things fall off.
Number two on the list is certified public accountant. This job also pays around $61,000 a year, but it also has a drawback – numbers. You have to be very good with numbers to be an accountant, and very creative with numbers if you’re working for an insurance company, which is much like a mob family in that accountants who can’t maneuver numbers to fit their bosses’ needs, are dealt with severely.
Auditor comes in at number three on the list, and what do auditors do? Well, they evaluate a company’s finances and check for fraud. If you want to be successful at this job, the trick here is find any fraud committed by employees, but ignore the fraud committed by the owners.
Next up on the list is facilities director, which has a nice sound to it. Your friend asks, “What do you do for a living?” “Oh, I’m the facilities director at Armbrister Enterprises,” you reply. Your friend is impressed until he finds out that Armbrister makes inflatable sheep for discriminating adults. A drawback to the job is you have to keep an eye on virtually every aspect of the business. So, if a water line bursts or the plant loses power during third shift, you have to be there to deal with the crisis.
Operations manager is next on the list, and is much like the facilities director, except you must also deal with the public in the area of sales and customer service. If one of those pesky customers gets upset because the inflatable sheep he purchased did not make it through one petting session, you have to find out why, calm the customer’s anger and find out why your company is making subpar inflatable sheep.
The job of payroll manager deals with paying employees, reporting taxes, and things like that. One of those that is sometimes called “skimming.” Now, skimming can prove be to very lucrative if you’re good at it, and make it to the Cayman Islands before the boss finds out about it. However, it can also end up in prison time and sharing a cell with a monster of a man named Belch, who refers to you as Nancy.
The list is rounded off with automobile salesman. Now, I know this job lends itself to many jokes, but these guys have to work hard for their money, much like another profession. I mean, it’s not easy to convince someone why the 2001 Focus you’re pushing costs more than the new Cadillac at the rival dealer across the street, or why that grinding sound they hear when pressing on the brakes is really of no concern. The job takes creativity, persistence and determination. I, however, couldn’t do this job; not because of the aforementioned required attributes, but because I hate white loafers.
As for the other jobs, I admit I could do none of those with enthusiasm or competency. I’m not meant to take care of sick people, analyze numbers or fix things (just ask the Mistress of the Manor about that one). No, I’m meant to do what I do – expose the public to all the real and made-up information I can cram into this 20 or so inches of copy. That is my calling in life; to inform and to misinform, to entertain and to annoy. However, if any zombie killing jobs open up, I’m all in.