I hear a lot of people say they just don’t know who to vote for during the upcoming presidential election. Some can’t decide on which candidate is the best choice, while others don’t care for either candidate. Well, I’m here to help. You see, there are other people running for president who just don’t have the money to afford the expensive TV ads that allow a candidate to get his or her message to the masses.
One candidate very few people have heard about is Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey. Now, Sharkey is not your average candidate. No siree, the New Jersey resident is … well … a vampire. That’s right, one of the undead. It makes sense if you think about it. Politicians have been sucking the life out of the public for years, so who could do that better than a true blood sucker? Now, before you write Sharkey off as nut job who pretends to be a vampire, listen to this. He claims to drink the blood of his “girlfriends and mistresses” two times a week. Okay, then.
Sharkey, who was a former board member of Hillborough, New Jersey’s County Executive Republican Committee before founding the 1st Vampyre, Witches, Pagans Party Regiment in 2006, has let it be known he will be tough on crime. In fact, he will be downright nasty.
Certain criminals, instead of being put in jail, they should be brutally tortured and impaled,” said Sharkey in an interview with ABC News. “Upon them being found guilty of their crimes, I’ll beat them, torture them, dismember and decapitate them.”
Sharkey hasn’t had to file an official statement of candidacy with the Federal Election Commission because he’s a bit short on campaign donations. The FEC requires a candidate to file once he or she receives more than $5,000 in donations. Sharkey is a bit short with $0.
That hasn’t dimmed his hopes; however, he still thinks he has a chance.
“Yes, I have a chance of winning,” he responded to the question concerning his eligibility. “People like Sarah Palin are making it quite easy to pull off.”
You know, he’s got a point there.
Possible running mate? I’m hearing Clint Eastwood. A nutcase who babbles incoherently to a chair is a perfect compliment to a vampire.
We also have Raphael Herman, a 64-year-old Israeli and Miami Beach resident, ready to vie for the U.S. presidency, despite the fact he was not born in this country, one of the prerequisites for being the president. So why does Herman think his birthplace does not matter. It’s simple; he said he knows Barack Obama wasn’t born in this country because he has Obama’s birth certificate. Hear that, GOP, this guy has the goods.
Although he hasn’t named his vice-presidential running partner yet, there are several viable candidates, including Rush Limbaugh. Now, Limbaugh wasn’t born in this country either, but he did evolve from the toxic slime left behind by a New Jersey company that was a victim of Bain Capital, so I think that would make him eligible.
Now, there are several more unknown candidates, but if Herman is on the up-and-up about Obama’s birth certificate, we may need to start a draft movement for Huh Kyung-young from South Korea. Huh is presently running for president in his own country, but I get the feeling that he would make the switch. Afterall, he has run twice before and never got more than 10,000 votes, so it’s obvious that his people don’t appreciate his qualifications.
According to Huh, he has an IQ of 430, and acquired supernatural powers at the age of 57. Now, I ask you, what more could you want in a president? Still doubting, well, just listen to some of his ideas, then tell me he’s not impressive.
Huh wants to move the U.N. headquarters to the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea, and was visited by Michael Jackson’s soul before the singer died. He also wants to give $100,000 to all couples who get married, in addition to $30,000 for each baby they have. When asked how he planned to pay for this, Huh said, “Where there is a will, there is a way. I have all the solutions in my head. Remember, my IQ is 430.” Enough said.
There is also another foreign candidate that would add spice to the U.S. presidential campaign, and one who would not object to full disclosure. Yelena Berkova is running for mayor of her city, but her talents would fit our present political system just fine. Berkova is an adult film star, so she already has plenty of practice doing what many of our politicians do to us on a regular basis.