Last updated: May 31. 2013 10:44PM - 160 Views
Michael Howlett
Staff Writer

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I know there’s a question that’s been bouncing around in your head like a super ball in a cyclone. No, it’s not “Honey, where should I put this?”; it’s not “Is that a marsupial in the dryer?”; and it is most certainly not “If the world ends on December 21, who will put the garbage out on Thursday?”

The question I’m talking about will determine if you may continue living your life as you now do, or if you must alter your lifestyle in such a way as to virtually make yourself unrecognizable to everyone but your proctologist.

I’m talking about that age-old question, “Are you a grown-up?”

You thought I was going to say “What is the meaning of life?” didn’t you. Well, normally that would have been the epic question. However, last week I discovered the answer to that question quite by accident. I was doing what I normally do when not working, eating, when it hit me… no, not the answer to the grown-up question, but a belch. But not just any belch, it was a belch that was so dramatic in its volume, tone and intensity that I had a revelation, as well as a little bit of a bowel movement.

Anyway, back to determining if you are a grown-up. What? I forgot to tell the answer to the meaning of life? I’m sorry. The answer is, bacon.

Now, I admit, I’m not the best person to be talking about acting like a grown-up. Although my body informs me otherwise, my brain sometimes thinks I’m 18, or even 12, according to the Mistress of the Manor. My motto is, “Think young, act young, die old.” But despite my lack of credentials to judge who is and who is not an adult, I will do so anyway because I’m just that kind of guy.

According to British researchers, there are certain markers in life that determine if a person is a grown-up. As you might expect I have to disagree with some of their findings, especially number six, which is having children. Okay, all baby-mommas raise your hands. Mmmm, I don’t really have time to count all the hands, but let’s just say, way too many. Being an adult has nothing to do with having children. Having hormones has to do with having children. If only adults could have children, this world would be a lot less crowded, and we’d have a lot fewer laundromats.

Another sign of being an adult, according to the Brits, is the ability to shop for one’s own food. Oh yea, it takes an adult to purchase food properly. “Holy Spam” how in the world can we expect a non-adult to figure out the complexities of a supermarket. If shopping for food is a sign of being an adult, how come the couple towing around three kids under the age of five has a cart full of beer and only one half gallon of milk.

Another real mark of adulthood, according to the researchers, is the ability to change a light bulb. Let me repeat that, change a light bulb. Yea, that’s right, a light bulb. Not a laser bulb, but a light bulb. Now, if this is a sign of adulthood, then knowing to put on your underpants before your jeans makes one a pretty astute individual. “Holy Thomas Edison,” how bright do you have to be to change a freakin’ light bulb. Now, you know why we won the war.

It appears that wearing sensible shoes is another marker for adulthood. Funny, I thought sensible shoes, at least with women, was a sign of something else entirely.

Oh, and how about owning guest towels, that’s on the list. This one really gets me. How many of you have a bathroom solely for visitors, one that is never soiled by your own family’s disgusting habits. If you don’t have a guest latrine, why would you need guest towels? When people come to visit, just make sure the towels they may use are clean. Seems simple to me. Of course, it they’re unwelcome friends, family, Mormons, just leave the stained towels hanging and their visits will probably stop.

Holding a dinner party was also on the list. Some of the best dinner parties I’ve ever attended came during my years as a young adult. Now, I think most of us realize that young adult is a term used to describe someone who may be old enough to be an adult, but does not have the ability to do so. As you get older, dinner parties tend to get more about eating, rather than running “nekid” through the sprinklers, which is probably a good thing. Oh, that’s not a misspelling. Naked means you don’t have any clothes on, while “nekid” means you don’t have any clothes on and you’re up to something, at least according to Lewis Grizzard.

Another marker of adulthood that sort of makes sense, but not necessarily, is owning a lawn mower. I would have thought this was on the mark if I hadn’t seen a story about a 12-year-old kid who loved lawn mowers. The kid had hundreds of lawn mowers. “Holy John Deere,” I thought, what is wrong with this kid. What about stamps, coins or strands of hair from classmates. What is wrong with this little landscaping lunatic?

However, once I saw another story on a 12-year-old boy who collected vacuum cleaners, I decided the lawn mower kid was all right. Although owning a vacuum also made the adult list, I felt owning hundreds of them at such an early age was a bit too much. I think that surpassed adult level and ventured into the category of future mass murderer.

I hope this has provided some insight into where you stand in life. Are you an adult, a young adult, a child, a Briton, or just the average run of the mill humanoid that encompasses all of life’s wonder. Wonder, as in, “I wonder how to change this light bulb?

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