Are you wondering why things aren’t working out, why you can’t rise above urinal foreman at the plant, why you haven’t made your first million, or your first $100, for that matter? Well, it’s simple, you weren’t born at the right time. That’s right, it’s not your fault. It’s your parents’ fault, just like everything else. If mom and pop hadn’t taken that trip to the Bahamas in November, you might not have been born in July. You see, being born in July is bad when it comes to becoming a success. Very, very bad. June is no piece of cake either. For example, Bill Gates was born in October, Steve Jobs in February and Warren Buffett in August, while both “Rooster” Edwards and Earnest T. Bass were born in July.

Now, I suppose you’re wondering, “What in the name of the Julian Calendar is he talking about now?” Well, I’m talking about a survey by the Wall Street Journal that suggests that summer babies should give up on their business aspirations. That’s right, they just need to cut the soles off their shoes, sit in a tree and learn to play the flute. Either that, or become a urinal foreman.

If you’re reading this column that means your fate has already been decided. If you’re 25 or over and not a success yet, you just need to forget your worries and find a nice bridge to live under. However, if you do not have children yet, listen up. If you want “Little Ted” or “Little Arlene” to be a success, make sure you wait for the proper time to procreate. That means stay the hell away from each other in October and November. Remember, if your urges get the best of you during these two crucial months, you are pretty much dooming your offspring to working as a lettuce washer, or, yes, a urinal foreman.

If you want to make sure your child will be a success then make sure “Little Randolph” or “Little Estelle” is born in March or at least April. While only 5.9 percent of S&P 500 CEOs were born in July and only 6.1 percent in June, those numbers double for March, 12.5 percent. April is a close second at 10.7 percent. I know you’re wondering why this is. What’s so dang important about when a child is born? Well, to give you a complete and in-depth report on this phenomenon, I would have had to spend $31.50 plus tax to get the full report, and that just ain’t happening.

However, the article I gleaned this information from did state that one reason things are the way they are is due to when a child starts kindergarten. A younger child is at a disadvantage. Not only does he get the spit kicked out of him on the playground, he may not be sufficiently matured for the rigors of first grade. Those children who wait a year fare much, much better. Now, “Rooster’s” parents shipped him off to school as soon as he could walk, which explains a lot. In fact, “Rooster” was so traumatized by starting school as a toddler, he never sent his kids to school. How did they turn out? Well, one is a lettuce washer and the other is a urinal foreman.

Now, I know you parents out there who screwed up and had your kids in June and July are feeling pretty bad right now, but there is still hope. I mean there have been successful and famous people born in those two months. First, let’s look at June. Jerry Mathers (The Beaver), Boy George and Gary Busey were all born in June … okay, let’s stopping looking at June. July births include Lindsay Lohan, David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson; although it should be noted that Pamela’s best known attributes were actually born 20-some years later in February. Okay, let’s move on.

Now, of course, there were plenty of very successful people born in those two months, but, as I’ve just demonstrated, there’s no use in taking the risk that “Little Bronson” will end up like Gary Busey or that “Little Britania” will follow in the footsteps of Pamela Anderson. So, here’s what I suggest, during the months of October and November couples of child-bearing age should stop bathing, washing their hair or shaving, remained covered in at least three layers of clothing at all times, and limit their TV watching to Honey Boo Boo. That should dull those desires for intimacy, and, therefore preventing any nasty accidents like “Rooster” Edwards. Remember, in October and November, it is risky to get frisky.