I’m sure you’ve heard of the seven deadly sins – Sleepy, Dopey, Sneezy, Horney – no wait those are the seven dwarfs. Okay, Horney isn’t one of those famous dwarfs. He’s the one Disney doesn’t want to talk about. But you better believe Snow White knew him. Oh yes, she knew him well.
Now, dwarfs can be deadly. Heck, just look at Gimli. That rascal can slice you in half with an axe before you can say Lothlorien. However, deadly dwarfs are not our concern, no, deadly sins, that’s our concern. I guess they’re a bigger concern for some more than others. Just guessing, I’m thinking they’re a concern for every human over the age of two. No wait; make that every last person on Earth.
You’re wondering how in the name of Dr. Spock I can include mere babies among those guilty of one or more of the deadly sins. Well, just think about it. They lay around a lot, not even bothering to walk until around their first birthday (sloth); if you’re late feeding them or changing their diapers, they scream like banshees (wrath); and, of course, they’re constantly wanting to suckle from mommy’s breast (gluttony), leaving poor daddy to his own devices.
In fact, the only one of the seven deadly sins they’re not guilty of is pride. Yes, they will gleefully soil their diapers or clothing at any moment and then expect someone else to clean up their mess. They have no pride. I could go on talking about babies, but it wouldn’t do any good. You can’t even discuss the subject with them. They either begin crying or give you that smile. You know, the smile that says I’m the boss here buddy, you’re just here to wipe my butt.
Now that we know everyone is guilty, let’s look at where the worst sinners live in our great United States. Luckily, geographers from Kansas State University have figured it out. They did so, I think, just so the government would know where to dump our nuclear waste.
Now, in looking over the graphs that show in which states each of the seven deadly sins are most rampant, one state beats all others – Delaware. Yes, little Delaware is full of greed, envy, wrath, lust and pride. No other state comes close. I had always looked at Delaware as a little sister, but now I find out Delaware is more like a soiled lady of the night.
I figure some of you are expecting states like California and New York to have scored high on the deadly sins, but not so. New York didn’t rate high in any sin, while California was only near the top in greed. No surprise there. New Jersey, another state we all think of as sinful, only scored high in greed and pride.
After Delaware, the states next in line for hell are Florida, South Carolina, Mississippi and North Carolina. Florida ranks high in greed, envy, wrath and pride, while South Carolina hit the jackpot in envy, wrath, lust and pride. Mississippi’s sins are lust and pride, and North Carolina’s are envy, lust and pride.
You are probably also wondering just how our beloved Old Dominion fared. Well, not bad actually. Virginia wasn’t at the top of the list in any of the deadly sins, but did have pockets of lust, envy, wrath and pride. Northern Virginia, in reality a suburb of the District of Colombia, ranks high in greed – no surprise there - but the head scratcher is the results for the area around South Boston.
Evidently, those folks are full of pride. Why is beyond me, but if the denizens of that area are anything like one of their most famous sons, well, I can better understand why they are full of themselves. You see, Rooster Edwards is originally from South Boston. He didn’t become a Carroll County resident until the age of eight when his family made an unplanned and hurried exit from the Southside. The reason had something to do with underage sheep.
If you know Rooster, you know that no man alive indulges in the seven deadly sins as Rooster does. I honestly think somewhere along the line Rooster got the seven deadly sins mixed up with the Ten Commandments. This is understandable since Rooster’s favorite preachers are Pat “Pray for the death of a liberal Supreme Court Justice” Robinson and Elmer Gantry. I’ve tried to tell him Gantry is a fictional character, based on the early 20th century evangelist Billy Sunday, but to no avail. Why will he not listen? Too much pride.