Last updated: March 27. 2014 3:26PM - 1392 Views
By Michael Howlett

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Who likes festivals? Okay, judging by the waving of hands and screaming, I think I can say that most all of you do. Yes, a festival can raise the spirits, bring joy to the heart and, in some cases, leave you wondering where you left your pants. But, hey, it’s a festival!

So with that in mind, let’s look at some festivals that take place around this great country. One that caught my eye is Eeyore’s Birthday Party in Austin, Tex., which takes place on April 26. You know Eeyore, Winnie the Pooh’s best friend. According to the web site, the celebration, which includes live music, belly dancing, face painting and food, along with other things, has grown increasingly popular over the years.

After checking out the photos on the web site, I found out why the festival’s popularity is on the rise. Apparently, Eeyore, despite being a donkey, is very fond of topless women, because they were an awful lot of them among the festival photos. To be honest, some weren’t totally topless, some were wearing body paint. Then there were even some who were wearing clothes. I’m sure A.A. Milne, the creator of Eeyore, would be really proud of the festival’s take on his beloved children’s book character.

Later in the summer, June 13-15, to be exact, the Duck Tape Festival will be held in Avon, Ohio. Now, before anyone starts screaming duct tape, stupid! I need to point out the festival does not choose to use the correct spelling. Hey, it’s a festival, so misspelling is allowed. Other than a parade, the official list of activities hasn’t been released yet, but judging from the festival’s web site photos, it comes down to putting duct tape on everything, including topless women.

I was going to address the Testicle Festival in Clinton, Mont., on July 30-Aug. 3, but after looking at the web site, found very little I could mention in the newspaper. Don’t get me wrong, topless women are abundant, but some of the other things, well, just use your imagination, twisted, of course, and you can probably figure out some of the events.

Okay, let’s turn to something a little tamer, like the Wayne Chicken Show in Wayne, Neb., on July 12. This event has won two awards from Nebraska Festival and Events, Inc., so you know it’s bona fide. The festival’s web site says chickens were chosen as the theme for the festival because, of the potential for art materials, because most people have knowledge and familiarity with chickens (especially in Nebraska), and chickens can be considered with humor. I know that chicken that plays the piano really cracks me up.

Some of the events include a Cutest Chicklette Contest (no, it doesn’t involve topless women), a Saucy Hot Wing Eating Contest and the World’s Largest Chicken Dance, a truly inspiring sight, I’m sure. Then there is the free entertainment, which this year is “A tribute to the music of John Denver.” That’s the deal breaker for me. A few minutes with John Denver is one thing, but a whole evening, that’s absurd.

Other festivals of strangness include the Roadkill Cook Off in Marlinton, West Va., on Sept. 27, the Wisconsin State Cow Chip throw and Festival in Prairie du Suc, Wisc., on Aug. 29-30, the Tarantula Awareness Festival in Coarsegold, Calif., on Oct. 25, and the San Fermin Festival in New Orleans on July 11-14. Since I’m not into roadkill, cow chips and only like Tarantulas when they appear in Indiana Jones’ movies, I’m going to address the San Fermin Festival.

The festival, apparently, doesn’t want people to know too much about it, since when I went to pages labeled “about” or “events,” all I could find was a message stating that the web site had been having “some technical difficulties.” The only bit of information I could find was that the New Orleans festival was based on the San Fermin bull racing festival in Spain.

The biggest difference here is instead of being chased by bulls, festival participants are chased by roller derby girls. If the girls catch you, - and who doesn’t want to be caught by a roller derby girl - they get to whack you with a foam whiffle ball bat. Since this festival is held in New Orleans, I’m guessing there are probably some interesting events, and quite possibly – you guessed it – topless women.

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