Last updated: August 28. 2013 9:15AM - 4076 Views
By Michael Howlett

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Say you’re having trouble finding love? Well, maybe you’re looking in all the wrong places. Okay, I know that was uncalled for, but, really, maybe you just need to zero in on the kind of guy or gal you’re looking for.

Now, I was lucky, I found the Mistress of the Manor early in life, but many people go years struggling to find their soul mate, their sugar bear, their poopsie woopsie, or in Rooster Edwards’ case, any woman who would have him. Believe me, few believed there was a female out there with the fortitude or the arm strength to put up with Rooster’s strange ways.

So, in an effort to help those searching for that special someone who won’t kick them out of bed for eating crackers or expelling gas, I have taken it upon myself to search the internet for web sites that, shall we say, seek to hook up those who may lack looks, money, or limbs.

Now, you could go to dating sites like match.com, eHarmony.com or Zoosk, whatever the hell that is, but I think you better your odds when you go to a dating site that addresses the factors that have made you such a pariah to the opposite sex. You know what I’m talking about … yes, you do. So with that in mind, here are some sites to check out if the special someone you’re looking for has a STD or resides behind bars.

I know you thought I just made that up about the STDs, but you would be wrong. Yes siree, PositiveSingles.com hooks up the afflicted, because, hey, they need love too, even though they have had more than enough already by most people’s standards. All you have to do is type in your gender, the gender of the person you want to meet and what body-rotting disease you have. It’s that simple.

If you have a penchant for the bad boys and girls of this world, try Meet-An-Inmate.com. After all, if it’s one thing the good old U.S.A. has, it’s an abundance of inmates. In fact, we have more inmates than any other country in the world. We’re still No. 1 in something.

There are dating sites for the less-than aesthetically pleasing, The Ugly Bug Ball, and for the most marvelous-looking people alive, Darwin Dating. Acne, bulbous noses and sagging body parts fit right in at The Ugly Bug Ball, but not so much at Darwin Dating. You’ll know if you fit in with the Darwin bunch because new members get voted on by existing members. Ratings run from “Ass-like” to “Awesome.”

There is ChristianMingle.com for those interested in virgins, there is SingleParentsMeet.com for those not interested in virgins and there’s a senior site, OurTime.com, for people who have forgotten what virgins are.

Another interesting site is FarmersOnly.com. In order to keep sissified interlopers from trying to lure innocent farm maidens into the seedy world of city folk, there is a screening process, which involves several questions. Right at the top of the list is “What time will the sun rise on Aug. 22 of this year?” Get it wrong and you are right out.

One of my favorites is “how about we …” According to its web page, it is a site for those “25 and over who are educated and interested only in casual dating.” Casual dating, eh? Something about that unfinished title and this so-called casual dating makes me think that the word dating is being misused.

The wide variety of dating services doesn’t end there, however. There’s dating sites for vampire lovers, for Trekkies, for Ayn Rand enthusiasts, for geeks, for tall people, for video gamers, for little people and disabled people. Heck, there’s even a dating site, called Gleedon, which specializes in the needs of married people. They have special needs, you know … like not getting caught dating.

However, there is one dating site that beats them all, because it takes the guess work out of the whole love situation. ScientificMatch.com relies on science, not feelings. You won’t be asked if you like long walks on the beach, or if you cry at sad movies, or if you expel gas in bed. Here’s how it’s done, you simply swab the inside of your cheek … they are very clear about this, stay away from all other orifices … and send it to the web site. They will then connect you with someone based on your physical chemistry which is determined via your DNA sample.

Now, that may sound just fine and dandy to some science geek who failed to find a suitable date on gk2gk.com (Geek to Geek), but doesn’t it take all the fun out of the dating experience. Most people, me included, make numerous mistakes during their dating years, whether it’s talking about an old girlfriend or making an inappropriate comment.

I remember one night in the long-long-ago-before time I made quite the faux pas. The not-yet Mistress of the Manor and I were double-dating with another couple. As we sat in the backseat of the car on the way home from the movies, my theatrical bent got the best of me. I turned to her and said in my best rakish tone, “Come closer my saucy wench.” Well, it became clear pretty damn quick that the not-yet Mistress of the Manor did not find my comment amusing, entertaining or suitable. Of course, after three days of apologizing and sticking with my own uncouth personality, she once again agreed to be my girlfriend and years later the Mistress of the Manor.

Now, what if I had made that cheesy comment to her on a dating site? She might have written me off and I would have been denied spending over 40 years with a most wonderful woman. With that in mind, maybe it’s better to forego dating sites, get out in the real world and stumble around until you meet the right one. Sure, you’ll make mistakes, but those can be overcome.

However, you should never say, I repeat, never say, “Come closer my saucy wench.” That’s a tough one to bounce back from.

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