Last updated: June 26. 2013 9:10AM - 848 Views

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Aaahhh, first dates, they are the things of legend. Now, I’m not talking about the first date with your beloved, unless, of course, your beloved is the only person you ever dated, no, no, no. I’m certainly not talking about the very first time you picked up “Crazy Marie” at the Bunker & Bullets Bar. No, I’m talking about the very first time you got spiffed up, drove to the home of a young lady you barely knew and took her to a movie, or dancing, or some dark spot off the highway.

Those first dates can be charming, magical and delightful. They can be … but, more often than not, they are horror stories that still make you cringe years later. Now, this may be truer for peoples of my generation than the present generation, I don’t know. I wanted to find out about the dating habits of the present generation, but the Mistress of the Manor said that my dating 18-year-olds was right out.

The reason I’m writing about dating is due to an article I read that was entitled “Don’t say this on a first date.” Strangely enough, just the other day the Mistress of the Manor and I were reminiscing about first dates. One of hers involved a funeral. I don’t think anything else needs to be said here, while another involved her and a young man sitting as far away as possible from each other and not saying a thing to each other all night. Well, at least no one said anything inappropriate.

My first car date will go down in infamy. I and the young lady, as well as another couple, went to a drive-in. Shortly after arriving I began to cough and I continued to cough the whole date through. Where this cough came from, I know not, I had not coughed in years prior to that night, but cough I did. The Mistress of the Manor says I was probably nervous. Anyway, I did not ask the girl out again because of my embarrassment, which is okay, because I eventually hooked up with the Mistress of the Manor and have been a blessed man ever since.

Okay, so about this article concerning things a person doesn’t say on a first date. I’m writing about dating so as to help anyone out there having trouble making a love connection. Now, this is mainly for older daters, but who knows, maybe the youngsters can also learn a thing or two.

One of the four things you never discuss on a date is your romantic past. Why? Well, if you trash your former girlfriend, is sounds like you aren’t over her. If you praise her, it sounds like you aren’t over her. If you mention you still talk to her, it sounds like you aren’t over her. So keep her out of it. Also, never say something like, “I’ve slept with 47 women, how many men have you slept with?” If you’re a woman, don’t say “I’ve been engaged three times, how about you?” Those are not icebreakers, they’re icebergs.

Another thing you don’t talk about is kids. Now, it doesn’t mean you can’t say, “I have a son who’s 12 and a daughter who’s 10.” It means you don’t say things like “I have two children I know of,” or “I want to have five more kids.” Those kinds of comments scare the bejesus out of women. On the other hand, women shouldn’t reveal on her first date that “Little Elmo” has already been arrested more times than he is years old.

When a couple has been together for a while, they may start referring to each other by pet names. For example, I have had numerous pet names for the Mistress of the Manor all over the years. Some have been of the normal variety – honey, Honey Bun, sweetheart – while others have been, shall we say, more creative – Hotpocket, Puddin’ and, the one currently in vogue, Spanky. The Mistress of the Manor, her formal title, by the way, has had some names for me too. We’ll just leave it at that. So, unless your date’s given name is Snugglebumps, don’t call her that on a first date.

The final thing not to talk about on a first date is pets, unless, of course, you two met at a dog show or the pound. No man wants to hear all the cute things Mr. Fluffy Wuffy does, or that Mr. Fluffy Wuffy is his date’s barometer for the measure of a man. “I just couldn’t be serious about anyone that Mr. Fluffy Wuffy doesn’t like” is the kind of thing that will make your date think you are certifiable crazy. Likewise, men, women don’t want to hear Sir Barksalot’s amazing ability to shred a chair in a matter of minutes, or how many cats he has chewed up. One of them might have been her cat.

So, on that first date, keep to the basics. What’s your job? What do you like to do for fun? Those sorts of things. Never utter a sentence on a first date that includes these words, felony, banned, rape, restraining order, psychiatric hospital, kill, or these sentences, “I’m only looking for someone who can financially support me,” “People say I’m conceited, but I just love myself,” “My former boyfriends say that I was too high-maintenance, but I think it’s just that they didn’t love me enough,” “I’m really into Hitler,” or “I’ll be right back. I have to take the biggest dump.” Oh, yeah, and always keep a pack of throat lozenges to ward off a surprise coughing attack.

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