Grossness is a fact of life

By Michael Howlett

June 5, 2014

After reading a couple of articles on Men’s Health, I may never sleep, go to a birthday party, eat off a buffet, or bob for apples again. Okay, I don’t think I’ve ever bobbed for apples, but there’s certainly no chance of that happening in the future now that I’ve found out just how dangerous that activity is.

The first article that made me consider living in a plastic bubble is entitled “5 gross things you do without thinking about it.” Well, doing gross things without thinking first is something I am very familiar with, just ask the Mistress of the Manor. She can recite a litany of abuses, unplanned, mind you, that I have inflicted on friends, family, even strangers. However, this article has opened my eyes to new atrocities.

I had never thought about the ceremony of blowing out candles on a birthday cake as being gross, but oh how wrong I’ve been. When one blows out the candles, spit accompanies the wind, thus fouling the cake. This act is especially dangerous if a kid is doing the honors since kids, according to experts, are foul little creatures full of the most hideous bacteria known to mankind. Komodo Dragons have nothing on a 6-year-old with a drippy nose and no morals. A kid blows out the candles and the next thing you know; you have a case of the Missouri Quickstep.

Eating off a buffet is almost as bad as the cake deal, especially if Rooster Edwards happens to be partaking of the food on display. Rooster, you see, prides himself on his ability to curve his spit in mid-air so as to miss the sneeze protector, which, in reality, offers little protection anyway. So if you see Rooster belly up to the bar or anyone of his ilk, it’s best to order from the menu.

Bobbing for apples is a good way to get strep throat, according to experts, but, hey, so is trading spit with Loretta down at the Bob’s Bimbo and Booty Bar. Of course, strep throat could be the least of your problems if Loretta isn’t on her antibiotics.

I guess the item on the list that really stood out to me is the warning to not take your coffee into the bathroom. I think I might have done this one, but I never will again. The reason you don’t do this is because there’s fecal matter crawling all over your bathroom. Yes, yes, yes, I know you use Clorox to keep your bathroom pristine, but that doesn’t matter. Fecal matter is insidious. It knows some tricks.

So you go into the bathroom and before you know it, fecal matter has had its way with your coffee. After you leave the bathroom, you place your cup on the kitchen counter at home or maybe on your desk at work, and the next thing you know fecal matter is spreading like wildfire. There’s fecal matter on your clothes, in the chair, on the floor, on a co-worker, covering everything like an invisible blob monster. The results aren’t pretty my friend.

Some other scary stuff involves your pillow, according to a second article I perused. When you lay down your head down at night take comfort, or should I say alarm, in the thought that millions of dust mites are there ready to take advantage of you while you sleep. There can be as many as 12 million dust mites in your bed just waiting to make your allergies flare up from their abundant poop. There is no way to get rid of them so just consider them pets, which under a microscope look like a cross between a spider and a tick. Comforting, no?

There’s also fungi and dead skin, as well as pet dander on your pillow. Although most fungi are relatively harmless there is one strain that will aggravate asthma conditions and attack weakened immune systems. As for the dead skin, I’m okay with that as long as it belongs to me or the Mistress of the Manor. However, I would be alarmed laying my head in other people’s dead skin. So be sure to keep everyone else out of your bed, especially Loretta.

Since you can’t have pet dander on your pillow unless you own a pet, there’s only one solution to the problem. Kill the family pet. I’m sorry; it’s the only way to handle the situation. Okay, okay, I’m kidding about the killing, but you do have to buy Fido or Mr. Whiskers a HazMat suit.

Okay, we’re nearing the end of this mess and I’ve saved the worst for last. Research shows your pillow has a very close relative in your home. No, it’s not the sofa, nor the refrigerator, nor your underpants … it’s the toilet seat. I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Yes, according to an expert, both your pillow and toilet seat have high concentrations of human DNA, dead skin, and, yes, fecal matter, and there’s not a dang thing you can do about. Trace amounts of feces are always on your body and clothes, which you, of course, spread around the house and your place of work like its sunshine.

However, the expert assures us that the “amount of fecal matter we deal with today is relatively tiny.” He goes on to say that “a hundred years ago, we would get huge doses in our drinking water, which could lead to cholera. When there’s a little, it’s not going to be a problem.”

Well, alrighty then; that just makes the whole situation hunky dory, doesn’t it? In my book, saying it’s just a little fecal matter is like saying it’s just a little gonorrhea. Any at all is too much. However, if the expert is right, we have no choice as human beings, we have to coexist with fecal matter. Fecal matter has us by the short hairs you might say. We’re only living in its world, and that, my friends, is gross.