Clean underpants not a given

By Michael Howlett

October 23, 2013

I came across an article the other day concerning strange contract demands made by rock stars. Now, it should come as no surprise that some of these people get a little too full of themselves.

Their demands vary greatly. For instance, Jennifer Lopez demanded greater security than Queen Elizabeth when she performed in London, while Marilyn Manson demands a box of kitty litter be placed in his dressing room, just in case the toilet malfunctions. Apparently, Manson is too shy to ask someone else if he can use their toilet facilities, or, and this is my belief, he just likes using a litter box.

At least Kid Rock’s demand of a fresh box of Hanes boxers at every tour stop - he refuses to wear a pair more than once - shows a high regard for personal hygiene. I applaud that, but don’t understand it. Hell, I wear my underpants until there’s nothing left but a band and leg holes.

Now, Kid Rock is lucky; he just has to demand clean underpants and some guy named Toady comes running with a new box of drawers. However, it hasn’t been so easy for Disney World employees, who had to undergo tough contract negotiations with the rulers of the Magic Kingdom just for the right to wear clean underpants.

Now, you are probably saying, “Isn’t the right to clean underpants addressed in the constitution?” Well, no. The founding fathers saw no reason to address clean underpants in that document since they wore their underpants for months at a time. Then, of course, there was Thomas Jefferson, who didn’t have the time to put on underpants since he had so many slaves to care for.

The first thing that is weird … believe me, it gets much weirder … about the whole underpants negotiation is that Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and the other characters weren’t allowed to wear their own underpants to start with. Instead, each day, at the end of their shift, characters would turn in their underpants along with their costume to be laundered.

Apparently, the Mouse Kingdom honchos felt that special underpants were needed so there weren’t any unsightly bulges under the costumes, especially where Minnie Mouse was concerned. Minnie, who turned out to be a Marvin, has since been fired, since even special underpants couldn’t stop the unsightly bulging that was traumatizing children and adults alike.

The problem was the spell the Magic Kingdom placed on visitors didn’t work on underpants. It turned out the laundry wasn’t using hot water, thus allowing lice and scabies to flourish. Workers also complained about receiving underpants that were stained or smelly.

As one might imagine, this was considered unacceptable by every employee … well, with the exception of Goofy, who routinely asked for the unwashed underpants worn by Snow White the previous day. Goofy has since been banned from Disney World and is now one of the biggest dealers in black market underpants worn by fictional characters. Rumor has it that after finding how much money could be made by selling their undies on the internet, Snow White, Cinderella and even the Wicked Stepmother have since joined Goofy’s profitable enterprise.

If there’s a lesson to be learned from all this … well, I’m not totally sure, but it may be fight for the right to wash your own underpants. A big corporation will wash their underpants in hot water, but they’ll wash yours in cold water just to save a few dollars, which can then be contributed the CEO’s multi-million dollar paycheck and you will be left with nothing but a inching, burning sensation.