July 10, 2013
Diseases get a bad rap. All you ever hear about diseases is they make you feel bad, cause organs to stop working or fall off, and sometimes kill you. Now, those are bad things for sure, but what about the good things diseases do?
What? You haven’t heard any good things about diseases? Well, I’m here to change all that. Yes siree, I have found through years of research … okay, I scanned an article in 15 minutes … that there are, indeed, diseases that can be beneficial. Some of these diseases benefit our minds, others our bodies and some protect us from other diseases.
Let’s look at the body benefiters first. Probably the best one is Myostatin-Related Muscle Hypertrophy. Okay, I know it sounds bad, but it really is a good disease. People suffering from this condition lack the Myostatin hormone, which prevents people from growing an abundance of muscles. Without the Myostatin hormone, a baby begins growing muscle in its mother’s womb. Once hatched, muscles grow at an alarming rate. One little boy from Michigan was able to perform expert gymnastics moves at the tender age of five months.
Of course, with anything good, there’s always something bad. In this case, the boy got three different babysitters pregnant by the age of six and at the age of eight is serving a life sentence for beating a clown to death with a midget. Oh yeah, the midget’s dead too.
Say you want to run a marathon so as to impress the ladies. Well, your disease would be Polycythemia Vera, which causes the body to produce more red blood cells than normal. Since red blood cells transport oxygen to the muscles, you automatically have mucho stamina, which is perfect for running marathons. Of course, you also have a much larger chance of dying from a heart attack or stroke.
You want to be healthier? Well, get a few parasites. Uncle Sid and Aunt Mimi don’t count, although, God knows, they can suck the life out of anybody. No, you just need some minor parasites in order to boost your immune system. Now, parasites that cause your organs to dry up are not good. Those that make you just throw up a little are okay.
Think you would like to play professional football, be a Navy SEAL or maybe a superhero? Urbach-Wiethe Disease is your ticket to mayhem. This disease makes you fearless, which might be a good thing. Now, if you manage to contract both Urbach-Wiethe and Myostatin-Related Muscle Hypertrophy, you would really have something … something very impressive, or something very scary.
You want to lessen your risk of getting cancer or Malaria? Well, all you need is another disease. You see, a study has shown that having Huntington’s Disease seems to offer protection against cancer and Sickle Cell Disease will protect you against Malaria.
Then, of course, there’s Syphilis. Now, I know we’ve all heard bad things about this disease, but did you know it’s one of the few diseases that allows you go out on a high note. Sure, you have to undergo months or years of terrible pain, liver failure and nervous system disorders, but in the end you’re as high as a kite. In the last stages, the disease triggers physical reactions very similar to drug consumption, such as euphoria, excitement, creative energy and a great sense of relaxation. So, you see, it’s not all bad.
Okay, you ready for a disease that makes you smart; I know I am. That amazing disease would be Hyperthymesia. This little number gives its victim a superior autobiographical memory. That means a person with this disease can recall almost every day of his or his life in near perfect detail, as well as public events that hold some personal significance. Doesn’t that sound great? Doesn’t it?
Just think, every slight, every heart break, every failure, every proctologist exam would remain a vivid memory that you could never, never, never, never forget. On second thought, I’ll take the Syphilis.